Someone Needs to Pass a Law Against Free-Range Douchebags

I wrote this a few months ago and then didn’t finish it.  Then yesterday some stupid c-word (not referring to ‘customer’) tried to ruin my day by yelling at me and threatening me because her day was already ruined, and she needed to take it out on an innocent person. She failed because I am smart enough and thick-skinned enough that I couldn’t give less of a craphole what an obviously-insane person thinks of my managerial skills, but I do feel the need to remind the general public why most of the hospitality industry hates their goddamn guts.

People make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything, but none more so than the freely roaming douchebags that have infiltrated society like a plague of entitled locusts.  You know these people– the ones who think they deserve special treatment, that for some incomprehensible reason they are more important than everyone else.

These people go to a busy restaurant on a Saturday night without a reservation and then get pissed when they have to wait an hour or more for a booth.  They get mad that they can’t reserve a private table that seats six for just two people– on a holiday.   Or they insist on being seated in a “quiet area” at 7:00 on a Friday night.   Let me know if you find that quiet area because I can guarantee you–it doesn’t exist.  You want quiet?  You don’t want to make a reservation but also don’t want to wait?  Go out to eat at 3:00 on a weekday.  This douche is also the lady (and I use the term ‘lady’ loosely) who calls during the middle of lunch and expects the host to read her the menu, despite the fact that the host has ten people lined up at the front waiting to be seated and a phone ringing off the hook, all because she’s too lazy to take five minutes to pull it up on her phone and read it herself. Then, when the poor host doesn’t have time to read all eighty-five items, the douche-lady shows up in person to complain about it, insists she has a limited amount of time for lunch, but then sits at the bar for an hour and a half.  I personally wished some serious, explosive diarrhea on that particular douche.  

These are douche bag things that you should NOT do to hospitality workers:

1.  Do not call to ask what the hours are or if we have happy hour or if we take reservations.   All of that information is readily available online.  It takes thirty seconds to find it.

2.  Do not call and ask someone to read you the menu.  That information is also very, very easy to find online.

3.  Do not call to make reservations if you can make them online, unless you have a large party.

4.  Do not call before the restaurant opens.  People are busting their asses trying to get the place set up for your ungrateful ass, and calling before someone is specifically manning the phones is extremely frustrating.   You’re interrupting someone who is trying to do three people’s worth of work in an hour.

5.  Do not complain about shit at the front desk.  The host can’t do anything about it, and you’re making yourself look like a dickhole in front of anyone who happens to be around.  People empathize with the poor, unsuspecting employee, not with you.  Hourly employees have no control over the busyness of the establishment, the quality of your food, or whether the valet took too long to retrieve your car.  Management is the only staff qualified to take your complaint and the only staff that can actually do anything about it.

6.  Which brings me to number six.  Do not immediately go to the front desk to ask where the valet is if he isn’t present at the valet stand.  He’s either parking a car or retrieving a car– HELLO!!  Where the fuck else do you think he is?? He’s doing his job.  And no, we don’t have a way of monitoring him or getting hold of him.  Valet companies contract out to restaurants– they are not employed by the establishment itself.  I highly doubt that your day will be ruined if you actually have to wait thirty seconds for someone to get your car.  Or you could– *gasp*– park it yourself!

7.  Do not ask for directions.   In the days of advanced GPS systems, you can find your own way.  If you can’t, you shouldn’t be out driving by yourself.

8.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go out to eat unless you are planning to tip a minimum of 20%.  If you have qualms about that or you can’t afford it, go to McDonald’s.

9.  Do not come in with a party of 10 people and ask for separate checks.  You just ruined someone’s day by doing that.  It adds ten minutes, minimum, to your checkout to get all of those items split onto the correct checks and then handed out to the correct people and then ten forms of payment processed.  And you also just weeded your server because that’s ten minutes that he couldn’t get to any of his other tables.  So now they’re pissed off, and he has a lot of catching up to do.  Tell everyone to bring cash beforehand.  It takes two minutes out of your day to hit an ATM.

10.  Do not complain that you can’t get the exact table you want.  Most restaurants do not hold specific tables for people  (unless it’s some corporate bigwig), and they can’t bend the rules for you.  Why are you more important than anyone else who might arrive before you and want that table?  Other people have birthdays and anniversaries too, ya know.  And believe it or not, you will get the same quality of service and food regardless of your table.  Better, actually, if you gracefully accept the table to which the host leads you, rather than having a grown-up hissy fit in the dining room.  Or surrounding her like a group of teenage bullies and all four of you verbally attacking her at once.  That shit happened, people.

11.  Do not insist on being seated in a completely different section of the restaurant than the one to which you have been led.  Hosts have the responsibility of evenly distributing business so that every server has the opportunity to make money.  By picking your own seat, you are upsetting the flow of the restaurant and the employees.

12.  Do not ask for ten different modifications to your food.  It pisses off the entire kitchen.   The menu is a set menu for a reason.  Don’t like it?  Go eat somewhere else.

13.  Do not visit a restaurant on a regular basis and bitch about something every time you come in.  If it’s so terrible that you need to complain every time, why do come back?  Again,  go somewhere else.

14.  Do not give a single location bad feedback because of some corporate policy over which they have no control.  Don’t like the loyalty program?  Take it up with the corporate office.   We can give you the number.  Don’t like the FREE bread?  You can call that same number.  And for Christ’s sake, don’t complain to a manager or other staff member about that shit!  They can’t do anything about it, and when you complain about free bread, you look like a hairy dick.

15.  Do not ask employees personal questions or make comments about their appearance.  It’s a good way to get boogers and cum in your food (thank you, South Park).

16.  Do not call a female employee ‘sweetheart ‘ or ‘honey’ or any other term of endearment.   It’s disrespectful and misogynistic and makes us want to drag you from the back of a truck over broken glass. 

17.  Do not EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES put your hands on an employee.   There is no situation in which that is acceptable.   I have had people removed from the premises for that shit.

18.  Do not tell us your life story.  On the phone or in person.  We’re busy– we don’t have time for that shit.  If you’re lonely, hire an escort. 

19.  Control your children.  No one wants to listen to them scream– it ruins everyone’s meal.  Keep them in their seats and quiet.  Don’t take them to the bar, either– that ain’t classy.  That’s a grown-up environment.   And for fuck’s sake, don’t let little Jackass Jr. put his sticky paws all over the windows and glass door panels!!  Someone has to clean that shit.

20.  Speaking of which, do not open doors by putting your hands on the glass.  That is really unnecessary.  There’s a freakin’ handle right the fuck there– use it!

21.  Do not interrupt an employee who is trying to take care of another customer.  That’s just shitty.

22.  Do not snap your fat fingers at an employee to get his attention.  It creates instant loathing in the core of our beings.

23.  Do not tell us you’re a Yelper or a loyalty member or that you ‘know the owner.’  We could not give less of a shit.

24.  Do not tell us you’re giving us a bad reviews on Yelp.  Again,  could not give less of a shit.

25.  Do not show up with a party of eight people without even bothering to call to see if we have room.  You just totally disrupted the entire dining room.

26.  If you made a reservation for fifteen people but then find out later there will only be ten of you,  have the courtesy to update your reservation.  It makes a big difference in the dining room setup.  Same thing if you originally made a reservation for eight but then end up with twelve people.

27.  Do not try to make holiday reservations on the holiday.  Do not walk in without a reservation on a holiday.  Do not show up early for your holiday reservation and expect to be seated early.  There’s a reason for reservation times.  Dining rooms have a finite amount of space.

28.  Do not occupy a table for two and a half hours when the restaurant is busy.  We need those tables.

29.  Do not occupy any table for more than two hours unless you plan on leaving a huge tip to make up for causing your server to lose possible business.

30.  Do not make reservations at closing time.  Do not come in ten minutes before we close.  It makes every single employee in the restaurant hate your guts— kitchen is already clean, servers have done their sidework, manager has already counted the safe and put away the drawers.  You just added two hours to everyone’s already long night, and you will get surprises in your food.

31.  Being verbally abusive to a perfect stranger is completely unacceptable, regardless of how long your food took, how long you were on hold, or any other petty complaint you may have.  When you get all judge-y and superior towards someone who is just trying to make a living, it exposes you for the human trash you are.  You cannot honestly expect to treat another human being that way and then get any semblance of a satisfying solution to your problem.  Short of assaulting you or stealing your credit card info, no employee deserves that.

I could write a whole book on this shit, people.   It would be titled How Not to be a Shitty Dick.”  Because apparently, many grown-ass people are too idiotic to know when they’re being shitty dicks.  Fuck you, shitty dicks.  Fuck you.