Oh, Sweet Jesus, Waxing Philosophical

Occasionally, you will find a serious post, when I’ve had a hard day or something knocks me out of my bubble of detachment into the world of feeling.  I’m usually really good at distracting and self-medicating away from the realm of emotions, but music is one of those things that invariably makes me, ugh, feel.  This song especially strikes me.  Please, please click on the link at the top of this post.  It is beautiful and poignant and strong.  I’ve been this woman.  More than once, unfortunately—in fact, most of my life.   It began as a child, as far back as I can remember, and then branched out into about 75% of the  boyfriends I ever had, and then my first marriage.   I  met plenty of “nice guys” along the way, but, because I  had no schema  for what a “nice guy” is, I thought they were alien creatures  and really didn’t know what to do with them.  So I continually ran back to what I knew, which was very unhealthy and destructive,  and  was broken again.  And again.  And again.   This is one of those deeply personal, drunk confessions that I’m going to regret tomorrow, but it’s so important to reach out to other women who have been in this place.   When you’re lying face down, bruised and broken, and you look up at the person who put you there and say, “That didn’t hurt,” you’re trying so desperately to take power back.  It’s the emotional equivalent of getting knocked down in the ring for the 10th time and standing back up while every bit of self-preservation is screaming, “Stay down, you fool!”  But you can’t accept defeat.  So, knowing it might literally kill you, you muster up every shred of strength and dignity you’ve saved in your entire life, turn to the monster who is literally and/or figuratively crushing the life out of you, eyes bruised and swollen shut, blood running from a busted lip, and say, “That. Didn’t. Hurt.”  And even if what follows is horrible punishment– physical or mental or emotional– you know deep down that you took some power back.  And that means you still have some life left in you.  It means you are a survivor.


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